They don’t want you to be secure [DJ Khaled voice]. I talked all this talk that with turning 30 comes complete confidence and in my last few months of 29, this was true. But the insecurities of the past three decades resurfaced and gutpunched me within the first week of settling into my new age bracket. I’m like “Whoa now, just last month I had quit people-pleasing, stopped getting embarrassed and hurt feelings, and told a few folks how I really feel. Now all of a sudden you want to backtrack into second-guessing yourself?”
Emotions can be difficult to manage at any age and I’m learning that it is natural to react to certain situations in a particular way. For instance, if you struggle at something it can potentially affect your confidence in your skill level or if someone makes fun of how you talk, you can find yourself becoming self-conscious when it’s time to speak. True confidence comes from knowing yourself in and out and establishing your own perception of yourself. You may know that dancing is not your strong suit but you can attribute that to your two left feet. Embrace what’s unique about you.
I am realizing that the protective mechanisms that I use ultimately amplify the insecurities I deal with. I am very, very, very cautious of the things that I say. I think about three times before I let something come out of my mouth. I am always concerned about releasing too much information or saying something that could offend someone. This makes it hard for me to hold a real conversation. I find myself being awkwardly quiet during dialogue and mumbling or stumbling over words due to fear of saying the wrong thing. When others respond to my awkwardness awkwardly I become more awkward and thus insecure. Wow, thank you Issa Rae…you get me!
While this awkward black girl has overcome so many hurdles of shyness and quietness, in effort of ensuring that the wrong thing does not enter the wrong ears, I often just keep my thoughts to myself. This makes me a great listener but I struggle with the “keeping it real” dynamic. I never want what I say to be misconstrued or for my inner thoughts to be tainted by a negative spirit.
In conclusion, I’m still figuring this life stuff out along with you. I am still learning my voice and what it means to me and then to others. I am not appeasing anyone at the cost of my own heart but I genuinely care about how people feel and never want to stunt anyone’s growth. My confidence comes from knowing that I have a heart for others and a discerning spirit to know when to bite my tongue and when it is okay to say what is on my mind. That is keeping it real with God and myself and that can never go wrong.